Review: Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Yet another one of those. See, I really am one of the people who appreciate Mila Jovovich as a badass in a skin-tight suit, cracking zombie skulls. I am. I do expect more from the movies I watch though; say, a story, a purpose.

Retribution starts from exactly the same place Afterlife left us at, on Arcadia.  There’s a fight, then Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory – Resident Evil:Apocalypse) captures Alice and throws her in a “cell” in Umbrella’s headquarters.

The rest of the movie is nothing but Alice and a group of people trying to/escaping from said facility. Yes, you heard me. The rest of the movie. As in, all of it.

This movie had no point whatsoever, apart from trying to milk some more money for a franchise long dead and being a sweet reunion for most of the series’ actors. Because we get to see Rain (Michelle Rodriguez), Luther (Boris Kodjoe), Carlos (Oded Fehr), again, in very different capacities.

If that wasn’t enough to put me off, half the movie is made from scenes that already took place in earlier films. From the start, we get to re watch the last scene of Afterlife, then move on to a short (not really) recap of everything that happened so far, narrated by Alice,  afterwards we have some scenes reminiscent of the first movie, some more scenes from earlier installments. Because, forget a storyline! Who needs one? Nah.

Oh, almost forgot. The biggest badass villain of the franchise ever, is suddenly helping Alice, because they have common goals. Also, The Red Queen is a nutso, for no point whatsoever other than material for another movie.

I-just-..disappointment! Huge disappointment. So huge, I feel the need to write it in caps. HUGE!

Sienna Guillory was stiffer than ever in playing Valentine. No more kick-ass, but likeable police officer, she’s a mindless drone, more robotic in language and action than RoboCop. Whether that was intentional, for the sake of her character, or not, it just came across as bad acting.

Bingbing Li as Ada Wong is wearing a slinky, red dress throughout the movie, because everybody knows that’s standard gear for zombie fighting. Stilettos are a must too.

And if THAT wasn’t enough to make me want to crawl into a corner, start rocking back and forth, and say “What did I do wrong?”, then know more than half the movie is made of slow motion scenes. Slow. Sloooooow.

There’s no story, no purpose, no coherent plot line, no decent dialogue. Jovovich is still a great action heroine and the CGI was great, but this franchise is dead.

Paul W.S. Anderson has apparently promised, if the movie does well in cinemas, that he’ll be back with a, what is it now, 6th installment?

I’m not sure if this should be called a review, it’s more of a rant, but I promise you, everything I said is 100% true.

Do yourself a favor, spare yourself some pain and don’t watch this movie. Not in cinemas, anyway.

Put it out of its mysery, Alice!

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